Broad Salvage

[senate]

I want to make you a better person. I know that isn’t setting the bar very high, but even the longest journey begins with a single step. As the Broads MVP runner-up, or maybe the MVP (I never really bothered to find out how that came out in the end), I feel it is my duty to make you Broads the best Broads you can be. Also, I can't spam the Rangers board with gifs anymore so I have some free time. So, come to me with your life problems - big or small, easy or hard, G or NC-17, Canadian or outlander – and I will tell you how to fix them, and by extension, you.



To submit a question, please pull down the Community menu and select “Premier benefits”. From there just click on the “Senate’s Broad-kid Help Phone” button and you will be taken to the post a question page. Don’t worry, it is completely anonymous and each question only costs 1 platinum, 5 gold, or 12 electrum Broad tokens.



Unfortunately, this service is only currently available to Hockeybroads’ Premier Membership class. If you are a member and don’t see the Senate’s Broadkid Help Phone or if you would like to petition for an invitation to join the Hockeybroads’ Premier Membership class, please send an email to [color="#4169e1"]hockeybroads@gmail.com[/color]. It’s well worth the USD $7.99 a month.



So, with all that out the way, Junior Nurse Practitioner Commons, what’s our first question?

[Bytown Boozer]

I get really sad and worried late at night, particularly when I am in bed trying to sleep. It’s not thinking about one thing in particular that gets me down. Sometimes I worry about the future, other times I fret over my past decisions or think about how it will feel if someone I loved died. A few times I cried just remembering sad movies. I don’t feel depressed the rest of the day, just at night. What’s wrong with me? What can I do from stopping this from happening?

[senate]

Your brain produces a monoamine neurotransmitter called serotonin. One of its many functions is the regulation of mood. Put simply: the more serotonin in your brain, the better you feel. The brain produces the serotonin on a Circadian rhythm with production at its lowest before the beginning of the sleep cycle. As a result, many people exhibit situational depression at night.



How do you stop it from happening? Well, diet, exercise, phototherapy, or going to bed earlier might reset your Circadian rhythm or otherwise increase or stabilize your serotonin levels. But life is too short for trying things that “might” work. Pharmaceuticals are another option. But some pharmaceuticals are made by Bayer and the chemical conglomerate that owned Bayer during WWII made the Zyklon B gas that was used in Auschwitz. So, by deduction, everyone who uses pharmaceuticals is an anti-Semite. And you know who else was an anti-Semite? That’s right, Henry Ford. So, doing drugs is the moral equivalent of driving a Ford.



Here is what you have to do. Get a dozen tangelos. They are a tangerine-grapefruit hybrid. The flavour is all tangerine, but the intensity of the taste and fragrance is all grapefruit. If you can’t find any tangelos, I guess you could use oranges. But really, no wonder you are depressed if you aren’t eating tangelos.



Anyways, peel the tangelos and squeeze their juices out into a large Ziploc bag. Dump four peach fruit cups in the bag too. Seal the bag and crush the contents until they form a paste.



Open the bag and add two cups of water. Reseal the bag and place it in the sink under running hot water for twenty minutes. Then remove the bag and wrap it in towels.



Leave the bag for 2 days. Then reopen it and add 50 sugar packets. Real sugar, not sweetner - I’m sorry but beating depression isn’t Atkins friendly. Then add a dozen ketchup packets. Reseal the bag and mash it all together. Place the bag under hot water for 30 minutes and then rewrap it in towels. Once a day for the next three days, unwrap the towels, place the bag under hot water for 15 minutes, and rewrap it in towels.



Then, on the ninth day after you’ve started this project, unwrap the towels and open the bag. Skim some of the fruit paste up with a spoon and fill half a pint glass. Using an athletic sock as a filter, fill the other half of the glass with the transparent liquid in the bag. Mix the glass with your spoon. Allow it to settle. Two hours before your usual bed time, drink the filled glass as quick as possible.



And voila, your night time depression is gone. Maybe your vision too. And your liver functions. The outlook for your kidneys and brain isn’t that bright either.



Next.

[Bytown Boozer]

I’m having problems losing weight. I need to lose about 30 pounds and I can lose the first 10 alright, but then I plateau and can’t make any progress losing the last 20. Eventually I get dejected and break my diet/exercise plan and regain the 10 pounds I lost. How do I break the plateau and reach my weight goals?

[senate]

Diet and exercise. These are the two you should avoid at all costs. Diets mean eating leaves and only prey animals eat leaves. Exercise makes you sweat and sweating is what peasants do when they do whatever is they do when they toil in the fields.



If you are in anywhere in the world other than the United States, what you need to do is go to the slum area of your nearest city and volunteer at the homeless shelter. Look for a bum that smells like cigarettes and always sounds like they have a cold. Ideally, they will also wheeze when they breathe, periodically cough blood, and have cheeks and neck glands that are noticeably puffy in the morning. Take that bum to the hospital and have them diagnosed. If they are diagnosed with pneumonia, discard the bum in way you see fit, return to the shelter, and repeat the process. If they are diagnosed lung cancer, pretend that they are their relative and insist that they be treated with the chemotherapy agent cycolophospamide (aka Endoxan, Revimmune, Procytox, and Neosar). Take the bum and his or her prescription to a pharmacy and have it filled and paid for by your government’s indigent drug plan. Discard of the bum or, if you are weak, trade the cyclophospamide for a carton of cigarettes.



Now all you have to do is take double the recommended dosage on the bottle and you’ll be at your weight loss goal in a matter of weeks. Feel free to eat as much as you want because you will be vomiting it up anyways. But try not to get bruised or cut because that is not going to heal.



If you are American, the process is a little more complicated. Even with Obamacare, government healthcare is still too expensive. All the good San Francesco bathhouses have been closed for over twenty five years, and even if they weren’t It takes forever for HIV to turn into AIDS nowadays. That leaves you Americans with having to get intestinal parasites. No, not tapeworms. Tapeworms wouldn’t only cause trivial weight loss and the ascites will actually make you look fatter.



What you want is beaver fever, aka giardoasis, the gastrointestinal disease caused by the guardia lamblia, a protozoan that attaches itself in the small intestine. Despite being called beaver fever, you can’t get it from a vagina (although you can get it from anilingus, that’s why you should never give a stranger a rim job without a dental dam). The typical cause of beaver fever is drinking water contaminated with fecal matter. So, just find some water that has people or animal shit in it and you’ll get lucky eventually. If you are in the North, a stagnant pool of water created by a beaver dam is your best bet. If you are in South, look for a drainage ditch outside a pig or sheep farm.



Guardia lamblia partially blocks the body’s ability to absorb carbohydrates and fat, so it is like a low-fat AND a low-carb diet but without the dieting. You can still eat whatever you want on giardoasis, the carbs and fat along with most of the other food will just come out as omnipresent, violent diarrhea.



Unfortunately, the average giardoasis patient only loses 10 pounds. So save some of your diarrhea in a jar so you can re-infect yourself to lose your goal 20 lbs.



Next.

[Bytown Boozer]

My dad died when I was away at university. Before I could make it home, my mom had already remarried to my uncle. Now I am starting to suspect that my dad was murdered by my mom and uncle. Also, I think my mom made a pass at me. What do I do?

[senate]

The most important thing to do whenever a family member dies is to immediately pretend that you are crazy. This will prevent their murderer from thinking you a threat and trying to murder you too.



Since you are just back from university, your next step should be to use your apparent psychotic break to be emotionally abusive and drive your childhood sweetheart to a nervous breakdown and suicide. This won’t help you get revenge for your father, but it will let you play the field when you get back to university. Coeds dig bros who lost their true loves to tragedy, so you’ll be knee-deep in pity pussy until graduation.



Next, stab at curtains. There could be a person hiding there. That person could be the person who murdered you father. You won’t know until stab them. So stab, stab, stab.



Do the same thing for valances because maybe there is a monkey behind one and maybe that monkey murdered your father. If you can’t reach the valance, take a running start and jump at it.



DO NOT stab drapes. I cannot emphasize that enough. There could be a kid hiding behind there for Christ’s sake.



Make a short movie about how you think your father was murdered. You’ll want some good production values for it, especially CGI for the ear poison, so launch a Kickstarter for it. Advertise it by spamming your Facebook status with links to it. After you guilt the money out of your friends and family, comes the hard part. Do you host it on Youtube or Vimeo? If you want it to be taken seriously as an artistic piece, put it on Vimeo. If you want to sell out and monetize it, put it on Youtube. If you want it to feature softcore pornagraphy, put it on Daily Motion. Whatever you chose, show it to your mom and uncle/step-dad on your iphone even though it has a cracked screen and a broken speaker. If your step-dad murdered your dad he will storm out. If he didn’t, he will know that you need a new iphone for your birthday.



Then all you have to do is kill your dead girlfriend’s brother, watch your mother die, kill your uncle, and die yourself. Easy peasy.



Oh, and don’t fuck your mom. Life isn’t reddit.

Next.

[Bytown Boozer]

Weren’t most of these posts written for that life coaching thread you had on another message board that you never got the chance to post because you got banned a few months ago for answering the sad at night question with a recipe for heroin using only materials you could find at a garden center?

[senate]

No. I don’t know where these salacious rumours come from. I am not now, nor have I ever been Fatal_Error_User_Undefined.

Next.

[Bytown Boozer]

My first language is French. How do I become a better person?

[senate]

The first step to overcoming your debilitating condition is to understand and accept that it is completely your fault. As the one true faith, Jainism, teaches us, all life, including rocks somehow, is born onto the Samarsa, or wheel of reincarnation. Where we are born onto the Samarsa is determined by our karma, the goodness of our intentions and actions, of our previous lives. All life is suffering and misery, but the closer you are to the center of wheel, the less awful it is. The pig-Latin languages are near the edge of the wheel, somewhere between left handers and people who like the Trailer Park boys.



To move up the Samarsa and achieve moksha, the liberation of the soul from the karmic bondage of rebirth into Nirvana, one must lead a good life full of contemplation and self-sacrifice.



But fuck that noise, life coaching is about quick, superficial fixes that you use to lie to yourself.



What you want is Foreign Accent Syndrome. Don’t let the name scare you. You won’t actually develop a foreign accent; the linguistic sections of your brain will just be irreversibly damaged, altering the pitch of your voice and your ability to pronounce syllables, so that your speech pattern is distorted in such a way that it sounds like a foreign accent to anyone listening.



There are two ways to get Foreign Accent Syndrome: stroke and head trauma. To be safe, we are going to go for both. So, the first we are going to want to get your blood pressure right up. Stop exercising. Sleep a maximum 90 minutes a day. Buy a food scale and measure all your food before meals, then be sure to eat an equal weight of salt. Throw out all milk, juice, beer, wine, and soda in your house. From now on you drink only tangelo pruno, coffee (light only, dark has far less caffeine), and off-brand Asian energy drinks. Start smoking ... wait you are French ... keep smoking, but double fist it with at least two cigarettes at once. Start watching Days of Our Lives and become emotionally invested in the relationship between Dr. Dan and Jennifer.



After a couple of weeks in that, something in your brain should burst. Unfortunately, it might not be in the speech areas. So, onto step two: blunt force trauma to the brain. Make a swinging log trap. In case you have somehow managed to live a sheltered life where you haven’t had to pick off pursuers one by one during a deadly game of cat and mouse in a forest, jungle, or abandoned amusement park during a hurricane, you’ll find instructions on how to build one here:

[YOUTUBE]4vt0IBejFbc[/YOUTUBE]

Put your head in the middle of the trap with the base of your skull facing one of the logs. Release, the trap. After the logs hit, try to say the words “Hull”, “Hullabaloo”, “hocus”, and “horticulture”. If you can’t hear the H, pray to Lord Protector Rishabha and the twenty three other Tirthankara, reset the trap, and repeat.



Next.

[Bytown Boozer]

I can write in English but I can only read French, can you repost that in French? Also, can you choose a font size that placates my egotism?

[senate]

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[YOUTUBE]mB4t4niZjN4[/YOUTUBE]

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[Bytown Boozer]

I have problems remembering things: people’s names, important dates, where I left things, my dead mother’s face, the sound of her voice, etc. Are there any tricks I can use to remember?

[senate]

Whatever you do, don’t write anything down. Everything your write becomes a paper trail that could twisted and misconstrued against you in litigation. At any given moment the average Canadian is being stalked by three lawyers who are waiting for the slightest pretext to open legal proceedings. For Americans, that number is thirty-two.



Plus who owns a pen anymore? The future is paperless and the future is now and you have to live in the now.



Anyways, there is a simple trick to boosting your memory that is much more effective than writing things down. And that trick is finding an intersection of two unpaved rural roads, one running North-South and the other East-West. Just use Google maps. Once you find the crossroads, cut off a lock of your hair, place it on top of a leg bone from a small animal that you killed yourself, and then wrap it all together using a leather strap that has soaked in the blood of virgin (so yours will do fine). Place the bound items into a box made from the wood of a gallows (if you cannot find a gallows, substitute with the wood of the hanging tree or the planks of a used coffin). Go to the crossroads during the full moon and arrive as close to midnight as possible. In the middle of the crossroads, bury the box one cubit below the surface.



Return to the crossroads at midnight on the next new moon. Stand in the middle of the intersection until the night is at its blackest. Feel free to pass the time by playing on your phone or reading on your Kindle or iPad. Eventually you will be approached by a black clad man or woman without irises. He or she will ask you what you desire. Answer: “A good memory”. He or she will respond with “The contract is sealed”. He or she is lying, as you will then have an hour or so of paper work to fill out. Then the man or woman will ask if you want to sign up for a free prize drawing for a $1,000 gift certificate to Staples. Be careful, it’s really just trick to get your email address so that the forces of Hell can send you junk mail. Also, the contest is void in Quebec.



After that you will have a flawless photographic memory. Unfortunately, that’s going to mean constantly remembering that you sold your soul and are doom to burn in hellfire for eternity. Your first impulse is going to be repent to God. Good luck, that guy has the worst customer service ever. Your next impulse will be to sell your soul to another demon loyal to a different prince of hell than the demon who originally bought your soul so that neither demon can claim your soul without instigating a civil war in Hell. Congratulations, you’ve read Hellblazer: Deadly Habits. But your/Constantine’s plan won’t work. Oracle won the contract to digitized Hell’s records back in ’03. You’ll get redflaged when the new demon runs your SIN/SSN through the database when he or she is drafting the contract.

[YOUTUBE]ekTTXoHBmWw[/YOUTUBE]

To get your soul back you have to go outside the system and pledge your soul to Baron Samedi, the loa of the dead. The loa are the gods of voodoo and voodoo is Haitian and Haitians are French so their record keeping is shit. Get a large wood bowl and fill it with rum. At midnight, light a cigar using an already lit candle made from wax mixed with your own blood. Drop the cigar into the rum to ignite it. Evoke Baron Samedi’s name to summon him to your presence. When he appears, prostrate before and tell him how great he is and how shit you are. Then offer to pledge your soul to him in exchange for money or power or whatever. After he blesses you with his mark and vanishes, blow out the burning rum and drink it. Now your soul belongs to entities from two different pantheons and neither can claim it when you die without starting a celestial war.



With that your memory fixed and your spirit is doomed to walk the earth forever without ever finding rest.

[YOUTUBE]wHFdsZo97tI[/YOUTUBE]

[VLoo]

What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on in here?

[HS]

David Backes is not going to be pleased with this thread.